ME MYSELF & MY ADOPTION
Updated: Dec 15, 2019
Yes, I am adopted. This is no longer a secret as it has become an opened book in this healing journey of mine. I remember when I was younger, and being adopted was almost in comparison to racism. People didn't know how to act or discuss the subject of adoption openly. In my experiences, I was teased for having parents who were not the same color as me, and that initially shut me out from sharing this special gift of mine. I was afraid, and unfortunately embarrassed to share my story for many years of my life. I was only 18 when I finally understood how powerful my story was. Now as I'm older I have noticed that being adopted is more than just a gift, and my generation among others has opened their doors to people who are adopted. We are no longer looked at as the 'feel sorry for me' but rather the inspirational group of people. My story as well as others who are adopted have shaped many peoples lives differently. Being adopted is more than bravery, and more than strength. We are a circle of special kinds of people.
My healing journey started way back when I was 16, and my parents gave me a letter from my biological mother Jeri. She had written a letter to me when I was given up for adoption, and my parents didn't give me the letter until they felt I was ready. It was then I started searching for her as all adopted children do. After a year of waiting for a response and out of luck from a name on the back of a photo, I found my biological Aunt Mary through facebook in 2013. Jeri and I were in contact for a year before we met in person in 2014 over my Christmas holiday in California. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Jeri ended up living down the street from my parents home in Sacramento. She had just moved there and the timing felt so right. I remember she opened the door and kind of let out a scream of happiness, and hugged me right away. My Aunt Julie was there also and together we were crying happy tears but that didn't last long. We spoke for hours, shared stories, and laughter about our lives. I felt so at home with Jeri, and we could talk about everything. She is the exact twin of me… goofy, funny, so crazy, talks too much, and laughs way too much. (She has no filter... as they say.... 'I get it from my mama.') It kind of felt like I was on a long vacation, and I was visiting home now after a long time away. Our first time meeting was extremely special. I'm very thankful that the world made me wait so many years to meet her.
In 2016 I met my grandma, more of my Aunts, and my cousins over my second Christmas holiday in California. It wasn't at all awkward or sad or anything that people would imagine in a situation like this. More laughing, sharing stories, and shedding a little bit of tears. That was another special moment for me. My biological family is full of musicians, artists, and talent in so many actitivies. I am a special person made up of Mexican, Basque, Spanish, African American, Puerto Rican, Cora Indian, French, British English, German, and Irish. It felt just like I was visiting my family as I always do. It felt like, and it still feels like they have always been with me.
Although my story is very touching as some might say... With this comes a lot of grief. I didn't understand how much pain I had inside from being adopted until the doors were opened after I met my biological family. I had put Jeri on hold for so many years as I didn't ever think I would meet her. As the doors were opened, I spent many years taking my grief on everyone around me. My parents, my friends, and close relationships. I have made a great deal of mistakes because I decided that because I am adopted, I am not worthy. In the past three years of this healing journey I have had to reshape my mindset, and learn how to rethink in only positive affirmations. My mind for many years had only been surrounded in a negative fog of 'poor me' quotes. This unfortunately caused me to push away a lot of people, and as well caused me to go in a spiral of anorexia, deep depression, constant anxiety, and sadness. I purposely blamed my adoption every time something went wrong in my life rather than taking full responsibility for the situation happening. It was easier to blame something standing in front of me than to face the reality that I had some deeper healing to do. I've mistaken numerous times peoples actions to be negative when in reality it was my own mindset creating problems on its own. Being adopted is not my fault, and my message to you who are reading is to never blame yourself for something you have no control over. This adoption was not at all in my control, and finally after years of going through so many obstacles to get to this mindset, I finally understand what I went through just happened, but it doesn't have to control me. People learn and experience life in different ways. For my mistakes, and for my past actions and to anyone I've hurt along my healing journey I am sorry. I have my own journey, and I'm learning every day how to be self compassionate and only positive for my friends and loved ones. I'm only human, and I'm extremely grateful for the people who have consistently stood by my side through this journey.
Mom & Dad, Thank you for your unconditional love and support in my adoption since day one. You have supported my dreams, and my goals throughout my life 100% and more. You have never let me down in anything. You are mom and dad and that is how I will always know you both. Thank you for supporting my journey with Jeri, and welcoming her into our home, and continuing to stay in touch with her even when I'm not around. I'm absolutely the luckiest daughter in the world to have three humans sharing their love to me all the time. Jeri, Thank you for your apologies, your prayers, and daily messages for my well being. I know you can never make up for the years lost but you are doing a great job now just being in touch every day. It has healed me more than you can imagine.
Being adopted will always be a life long healing journey, but I'm happy to share my story. I am not my adoption, and it does not control me. You can control your pain and create the person you want to be!!! The world has so much bigger plans for me and I'm so grateful, and thankful for this journey that has taken me here.
Thanks for reading Xoxo K